Have you ever had a conversation with someone, only to discover later that they remember it completely differently from you?
You were both there.
You heard the same words.
You experienced the same situation.
Yet somehow, you walked away with two very different versions of what happened.
This is because we don’t experience the world exactly as it is. We experience it through the filters of our own mind.
Your brain can’t pay attention to everything
At any given moment, there is far more information around you than you can consciously pay attention to.
Think about what is happening right now.
Perhaps there is a sound in the background that you weren’t noticing until I mentioned it. You may suddenly become aware of the feeling of your feet against the floor, the temperature of the room, or your breathing.
Those things were already happening.
You simply weren’t consciously paying attention to them.
Your brain has to be selective. If you consciously processed every sound, sensation, movement, memory and detail around you, everyday life would become overwhelming.
So your mind filters information.
In NLP, we often describe three important ways this happens: deletion, distortion and generalisation.
1. Deletion: What am I not noticing?
Deletion happens when certain information doesn’t make it into our conscious awareness.
Imagine receiving feedback from ten people.
Nine people tell you that you did a wonderful job.
One person says:
“It was good, but I think you could improve this part.”
What do you think about on the drive home?
For many people, it isn’t the nine compliments.
It’s that one criticism.
The positive feedback hasn’t disappeared. But depending on your beliefs, emotional state and previous experiences, your attention may focus on the information that seems most significant to you.
This is one reason two people can be surrounded by similar opportunities and notice completely different things.
2. Distortion: What meaning am I giving this?
We don’t just receive information. We interpret it.
Imagine sending someone a message and they don’t reply for several hours.
One person might think:
“They’re probably busy.”
Another might think:
“I’ve upset them.”
Someone else might think:
“They’re ignoring me.”
The event is the same: no reply yet.
Everything after that is interpretation.
Our minds naturally fill in missing information and create meaning based on our expectations, beliefs, memories and emotional state.
Sometimes our interpretation is accurate.
Sometimes it isn’t.
The important thing is recognising the difference between what happened and the meaning we gave to what happened.
3. Generalisation: What rule have I created?
Generalisation is another incredibly useful function of the mind.
You don’t need to relearn how to open every door you encounter. Your brain takes previous experiences and creates patterns that help you navigate the world efficiently.
But sometimes those patterns become limiting.
Perhaps you spoke in front of a class as a child, forgot what you wanted to say and everyone laughed.
Years later, you might find yourself thinking:
“I’m terrible at public speaking.”
One experience has become a rule about who you are.
Or perhaps you’ve experienced several difficult relationships and begin telling yourself:
“People always leave.”
“I can’t trust anyone.”
“Relationships never work for me.”
Notice words such as always, never, everyone and nobody.
They can sometimes be clues that an experience has become a generalisation.
We don’t respond only to what happens
We also respond to what we believe is happening.
This is why two people can experience the same event and respond very differently.
One person experiences redundancy and thinks:
“My career is over.”
Another thinks:
“This is frightening, but perhaps it’s time for something different.”
The event may be similar.
The internal meaning is different.
And that meaning can influence emotion, behaviour and what each person does next.
This doesn’t mean difficult experiences aren’t real. It doesn’t mean we should simply “think positively” about everything that happens to us.
It means our experience contains both what happened and how our mind interpreted what happened.
Understanding that distinction can be incredibly powerful.
Your filters come from somewhere
The way you interpret life hasn’t appeared randomly.
Our filters can be influenced by many things, including our upbringing, culture, relationships, significant experiences, beliefs, values, expectations and previous learning.
Over time, some of these filters become so familiar that we stop recognising them as filters.
They simply feel like reality.
“I’m not confident.”
“I’m bad with money.”
“Nobody listens to me.”
“I always mess things up.”
“I’m just not that kind of person.”
But there is an important question we can learn to ask:
Is this objectively true, or is this the way I have learned to interpret my experience?
That question creates space.
And sometimes, space is where change begins.
One of the most valuable lessons from NLP
One of the things I value most about NLP is learning to become curious about our internal filters.
Instead of immediately accepting every thought as truth, we can begin asking better questions:
What actually happened?
What meaning have I given it?
What information might I be leaving out?
Is there another possible explanation?
What evidence doesn’t fit the story I’m telling myself?
Is this belief still useful for the person I am today?
The goal isn’t to convince ourselves that everything is wonderful.
It’s to become more aware of the difference between reality and our interpretation of reality.
Because when we recognise that a filter is a filter, we have more choice about whether we want to keep using it.
You may not be able to change the event, but you can explore the lens
We cannot rewrite everything that has happened to us.
And we cannot control everything that will happen next.
But we can become more conscious of the lens through which we experience our lives.
Sometimes changing that lens doesn’t change the facts.
It changes what we notice.
It changes the questions we ask.
It changes the possibilities we can see.
And ultimately, it can change what we choose to do next.
So the next time you find yourself thinking:
“That’s just the way it is.”
Try adding one simple question:
“Is that what happened, or is that the meaning I’ve given to what happened?”
You might be surprised by what you discover.
What Are You Filtering Out?
Your brain’s filters are there for a reason. They help you make sense of an enormous amount of information every day.
But sometimes the filters that once helped you can also keep you seeing the same problems, repeating the same patterns or overlooking possibilities that are already there.
The good news is that once you become aware of your filters, you can begin to question them.
What else could be true?
What might I be missing?
What could change if I looked at this differently?
Sometimes a new perspective is all it takes to open up a new possibility.
If you’re curious about the patterns shaping the way you think, feel and respond, and you’re ready to explore what might be possible beyond them, I’d love to have a conversation with you.