Recently, a client came into a session and told me they had been struggling to sleep for about a week.
They had tried everything they could think of, but nothing seemed to work.
Naturally, we could have focused entirely on the obvious problem:
“How do we make you sleep?”
But instead, we became curious about something deeper.
What if the sleeplessness wasn’t simply the problem?
What if, at an unconscious level, it was somehow trying to help?
Every Behaviour Has a Positive Intention
One of the presuppositions we work with in NLP is:
“Every behaviour has a positive intention.”
This doesn’t mean every behaviour is positive, healthy or useful.
It means that underneath a behaviour, pattern or response, there may be an attempt to meet an important need.
Protection.
Safety.
Connection.
Control.
Rest.
Avoidance of pain.
Relief from pressure.
The behaviour itself may create problems, but the intention behind it may make perfect sense when we understand what the person is trying to achieve.
This is where the concept of secondary gain can become very interesting.
When a Problem Is Also Doing Something For You
A secondary gain is a benefit that a person may receive from maintaining a problem, often without consciously realising it.
During our session, we explored what might be happening beneath my client’s difficulty sleeping.
As we worked together, something became clearer.
There were responsibilities in their life that felt difficult to deal with.
At an unconscious level, the pattern appeared to provide a way of stepping away from some of that pressure.
That didn’t mean my client was choosing not to sleep.
It didn’t mean they consciously wanted the problem.
And it certainly didn’t mean the sleeplessness wasn’t real.
It meant we had found something deeper that was worth paying attention to.
Instead of fighting the symptom, we could ask:
What is this pattern trying to achieve for you?
And then:
Is there a healthier way to meet that same need?
Finding Another Way
Once we identified the possible positive intention, we began exploring healthier ways for my client to deal with those responsibilities.
The goal wasn’t to take away the unconscious need.
The goal was to find better ways of meeting it.
That distinction matters.
Because if you simply try to remove a behaviour without understanding what it is doing for the person, the underlying need may still be there.
Sometimes the same pattern returns.
Sometimes another one takes its place.
But when we understand the need underneath the behaviour, we have more choices.
And choice can change everything.
Then Something Surprising Happened
When my client returned for our next session, they told me something that still amazes me when I hear it.
After our previous session, they had been able to fall asleep easily, without needing their usual medication.
That was their experience, and of course one person’s experience doesn’t mean every sleep problem has the same cause or that psychological work should replace appropriate medical care.
But it was a powerful reminder for me.
Sometimes we spend enormous amounts of energy trying to get rid of a symptom without asking what might be happening underneath it.
Don’t Just Fight the Behaviour. Understand It.
A person’s behaviour is important information.
Instead of immediately judging it, suppressing it or trying to force it to disappear, we can become curious about it.
What is this behaviour trying to do for me?
What need might it be attempting to meet?
What is it helping me move towards, or helping me move away from?
And how could I meet that need in a healthier way?
This doesn’t mean every physical or psychological symptom has an unconscious emotional cause. Sleep difficulties, anxiety, pain and other symptoms can have many contributing factors and sometimes require medical assessment and treatment.
But when a repeating pattern does have a psychological component, understanding the deeper function of that pattern can open up possibilities that simply fighting the symptom cannot.
Because sometimes the behaviour isn’t the whole problem.
Sometimes it’s a messenger.
And when we stop fighting the messenger long enough to understand what it’s trying to tell us, we may finally discover what needs our attention.
Is there a behaviour or pattern in your life that you’ve been trying to get rid of?
Instead of asking only, “How do I stop this?”, try asking:
“What might this be trying to do for me?”
The answer may surprise you.